Thursday, August 13, 2015
It happens a lot these days. Crazy dreams. Dreams that wake me from a sound sleep...but this one was different. I was doing something that I would never even think of doing. I woke up because of the nonchalant attitude I had toward doing it. It was so disconcerting. I woke up panicked. I cared. Doing this would make me unhappy. I knew that...so why? Why was I having yet another dream about....
eating a cupcake?
I woke up panicked...like I lost my child in an airport kind of panicked. But once I realized that this cupcake debacle was all a dream an instant calm came over me. Thank God, because experience has taught me what comes along with that one cupcake...the feeling that I instantly gained 10 pounds, that my clothes are tighter and that I failed.
I thought a lot about that dream today. Was my fear really about consuming that one cupcake? Cause in reality one cupcake wont ruin much of anything. I realized after much thought that it wasn't the cupcake. It had everything to do with breaking my momentum. It was about my fear of not being able to get right back on track. The fear of the snowball effect. Well, since I already ruined my eating for today...I might as well go out for pizza tonight. The fear of reassuring myself that I'll just get back on track tomorrow or maybe the next day.
My comfort right now is that I am on autopilot. No thought is involved. I want to get where I'm going...and that's just that. But the idea that I could eat a cupcake so flippantly was just nagging at me. In my dream I easily said "no" to how great I have been feeling and "yes" to a cupcake that would make me feel ashamed and would be gone in a matter of minutes.
This cupcake dream has had a big impact on me. I knew that I didn't want the cupcake or the disappointment that accompanied it. But the biggest revelation of my nightmare was discovering what I do care about. I want to feel great in my clothes. I want to be happy...a happy mom, not a crabby mom. I want to jump right in family pictures without finding someone to stand behind. I want to enjoy every minute of my summer vacation and every vacation thereafter, without being upset about how I think I look. I want to have lots of energy and to feel proud of the decisions I made for myself the day prior. I want to ride bikes on the beach with my husband when I'm in my 70's and cupcakes won't get me there!
So tonight I aspire to dream of biking on the beach...that is my kind of sweet dream!